In Network, Peter Finch as Howard Beale implored us to “go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell – ‘I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!'”

What follows is the 21st century email equivalent…

To: Fastway Couriers, Sydney

Dear Sir or Madam,

Good morning. I would like to draw your attention to the valuable lesson I learned this morning about your service and those who provide it.

When leaving my home at 9.10am this morning to drive my ten year old son to school I was surprised to find a Fastway Courier van (registration number REDACTED) parked in my driveway. My first reaction was of slight excitement: “Oh joy,” I thought “I am having a parcel delivered to my home!” This however was not the case. There was no sign of the driver anywhere on my premises and my excitement at this possible delivery was fast becoming growing frustration at not being able to get out of my driveway and making my own dellivery – to whit getting my afore-mentioned son to his school.

Upon closer inspection of the Fastway Couriers van, I noticed the driver had left his Fastway Couriers ID badge hanging from his rearview mirror. The name on the badge, easily read through the windscreen, was “Nick”. When I went to have another look around my property once again to see if I could find “Nick”, “Nick” came jogging up the street from a neighbouring residence, resplendent in his Fastway Couriers shirt. I am unsure which residence he was making his delivery to, suffice it to say it was not mine so I was somewhat confused as to why my driveway was being used as a parking spot. Even more so when there was a perfectly good parking spot right next to it on the street.

As “Nick” jumped into his Fastway Courier van, I called out to him: “Excuse me mate! Can you not park in my driveway. I’m trying to get my son to school.”

“Nick” responded in a way that I felt I should share with you as he is a member of your company and as such I thought you might like to know what how he is representing you in public. His answer was, and please excuse the language but these are his words:

“Fuck you! I’m doing a fucking job!”

Charming! When I then pointed out that there was a perfectly good parking spot right next to my driveway, “Nick” countered with a hearty “Fuck off!” over the roar of the engine of his Fastway Courier van as he tore out of my driveway and up the street. I can see why “Nick” is driving and not working in your PR department.

What is most disappointing about this incident is not the inconvenience that “Nick” and his Fastway Couriers Van caused my son and I (Oh yes! He was late for school. Thanks for that.). What is most galling is the fact that “Nick”, the driver of the Fastway Courier van couldn’t care less about my inconvenience and in fact thought it unreasonable for me to point out:
a. That my driveway isn’t a parking spot and,
b. Maybe he should use the parking spot not three metres away.

I understand that “Nick” has a “fucking job” to do and that is time-specific. However, as a parent I also have a time specific job to do, especially on a school morning. I might have been happy to let it slide, but “Nick” didn’t even think that his inconveniencing of others was even worthy of an apology. It seems that for “Nick”, his convenience and that of Fastway Couriers is paramount over everybody else and anybody who questions this is open to abuse.

As such I am writing this email to you informing you of your driver’s conduct and also to let you know that I am going to conduct a little public relations experiment of my own. I am posting this to all my social media contacts (sans the rego number, of course) to let them know the kind of service they can expect if they use Fastway Couriers, and especially if they get “Nick” as their driver. I’m sure they will find it most reassuring that Fastway Couriers and “Nick” won’t let little things like common courtesy, good grace, or trespass laws stand in the way of having their packages delivered. And rest assured I’ve got quite a few friends online and they love sharing feel-good stories like this.

I hope this doesn’t inconvenience you too much.

Regards,

David Callan